This is what it looks like when a mum of 7 drops the ball.

This, was one pile of clean washing on a spare mattress once.

It seems to have multipled...several times...


I have been ironing for an hour and I haven't even made a dent in it.

Meanwhile, I have all this..that has just gone out..

And now, I need to stop because I am yet to clean my kitchen today. And this, is just from today.

So as you can see, if *I* drop the ball, the aftermath is quite .. disastrous.
I am just thankful it hasn't spread to the rest of the house...yet...BACK TO IT!!

 

Out of the dark.

It has been a long time since my last post.
 
It has been a dark time since my last post.

I am not sure what it is that causes it just yet, I have an idea or two but I am still trying to work through it and my being here, blogging, let alone blogging about it, is a good sign...I think.

When I started feeling like this, I went back on my meds. It didn't help, so I upped my dose. That made me a walking zombie so I went back down a dose. 
Now, I am on half the dose I was on for 3 years, and it seems to be the right dose for me.

I have spent a lot of time just thinking. Looking at my life and going from wondering how the hell I got here,  to how the hell I got it all so wrong, to what the hell am I going to do, to that's it, i've screwed up, it's over.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't suicidal, I just thought that the life I was currently living, was coming to an end and it was time to begin a new life.
In another time, another place.

I spent many, many nights planning leaving, looking up flights, looking up share accommodation across several states, boarding houses, caravan parks, anywhere but here.
I debated whether or not to take any children with me. 
The most common answer was no, hell no.
I debated whether I could live a life knowing I had left them behind and always, always came up with the answer that they would be better off without me. Have better lives, better opportunities, better minds and spirits.
Then I would switch to nah, I can't do that to them, the younger 2 can go to their father and I will take the middle 3, the older 2 will be fine without me.
The younger 2 couldn't come because their father would invariably hunt me down and i'd end up in a psych ward.
How would the boys be if I left them? Ah they would get over it, decide they hated me and move on.
No, they would feel abandoned, worthless, not good enough, unloved.

And then...Miss Moo. My angel, my heart, my spirit.

No matter how many times I told myself she would be better off without me, I knew, and know, that no matter how much I suck at one thing or another, she will never be better off without me. Not ever.

What she has with me, what we have together, no one can erase or replace or compare with.
I grew up my entire life, without a Mother and even without any memories with her, I suffered immensely from not having her in my life, in more ways than I  could ever express.

Even her Father, and his family, with all the money and decorum that they have, could never give her what I give her.
I KNOW they aren't going to have Mummy and Moo girly days where we both have our nails painted and our hair cut, have hot chocolate and muffins then go buy a pretty dress.
I KNOW that they aren't going to walk through a field of butterflies, chasing them and naming each one as we watch them fly away.
I KNOW that no one else is going to melt the way I do when she says "you are my best friend and I love you so, so much".

I would watch her sleep and think all that and go to sleep with my head swimming, trying to resolve it all.

The next morning would come and I would start again, "nah, they will be better off without me".

And is it resolved? I don't know. I hope so. This is me working through it.
I won't say yes because I went through this very same thing for 6mths before we moved down.
It went away, but it came back.

I don't know what causes it but I know that I am obviously overwhelmed and I look around and realise that it is just so much for one person. It has been, too much, for too long without help or support.

I have learned, in this last couple of months, to allow myself to be vulnerable to the love and support of others.
To trust in their genuine caring for ME and my family. 
To leave my heart in their hands and to trust that I don't need to abandon them first because they won't abandon me.
That is how it has always been. Always.

I am slowly making some changes, taking small steps to making things easier for me here, at home and giving myself permission to say "Godamn this is hard."

The move here, has not been the positive change that I had anticipated in terms of Partners in parenting and the relief that should bring but I will adjust to the situation as it is, as opposed to all that it should have been, and always, do my very best and only allow myself to take on the responsibility for what is mine.
We will all inevitably pay the consequences for our choices, whether it be today or tomorrow.  I am not taking on, losing sleep, or compensating for the shortcomings of others anymore.
I am having a hard enough time attempting to conquer my own demons.

So this post, serves as therapy for me, of sorts, getting it out and in print, making it real.
I am saying it out loud, in case that one of my readers might feel some comfort if they are feeling alone and need to know they are not.

Mostly, it serves as an affirmation to myself that I am not giving up and that I can pick up from this.
Equally so, that my children never, ever doubt their worth or value to me or my life. That they never, ever have to face what I faced and they will always know that no matter how hard this is, I will fight it and we will come through it because the alternative, was never really an option. 

House guest!

My closest friend has been visiting from Canberra. Now that I am on the mainland, she can drive to see me, so she did!

She arrived Saturday afternoon and we have been having a good old girly time since then. My 7 children haven't scared her away or sent her rocking in her car just yet but I am sure she will be glad to be going home to her own kidlets and hubby at home.

Last night we lit a fire in my fireplace for the first time as it was quite chilly.  It was sooo lovely. I can't wait until Winter when we can have it going constantly.

 My friend discovered what take-away in the Phenomenal household looks like...

We had an impromptu fireworks display over the back fence...

This morning I caught up on some study while my friend caught up with a friend and Miss Moo played with playdough...

Today we went out for lunch which was lovely. Just Hayley, Miss Moo and I...

 

 And tomorrow she goes home.

It has been great fun and lovely having her here, the kids adored her and I hope we can catch up soon!! 

Hayley is a new blogger so be sure to catch her on The Shift Worker's Wife.

Starstruck!

I recently had a birthday and turned 38.

It was an awesome day. Family came over and spoiled me with lovely pressies and cake!

My sis came up later that night and we went for a long drive to see my favourite music artist, Ian Kenny, lead singer of Karnivool and Birds of Tokyo.

My eldest had already left earlier in the day so that he could go and see them perform, front row.

Karnivool were not performing, Birds of Tokyo were, so I didn't go to the show but I was going to a) pick up my son and 2) See Ian Kenny.

My eldest had been following them around the state and had already seen them and said hello but was keen to get a photo so, sis and I sat in the car park waiting for Christian( my son) and hoped we ran into them on their way out.

Sure enough, they popped out after the show and we said hi.

Awesome guys, quite funny, very humble and down to earth.

So, on the night of my birthday, I got to meet my fav artist and say hi!

Christian and Birds of Tokyo

Christian, Ian Kenny and I.

I will leave you with the beautiful voices of Ian Kenny and Karnivool.

Chickens!

I have a spark of excitement today as I am planning a chicken coop for my backyard!

The council permits 5 hens, without a permit and a chicken coop is remarkably less expensive to buy than I thought.

I have messaged my Landlord to see if he will allow it so fingers crossed!

I have always wanted chickens and my own organic little set up and I might just be able to have it here!

I have about 6 fruit trees, have planted the first 2 of my herb patch, am growing some celery and am pumped to get my own little green house started.

This property has so much potential!

Now that we have settled in and the tenancy is going smoothly, I feel like I can relax a little and make some plans.

The landlords have carried out some repairs that needed doing without too much drama, they are quite receptive and responsive to concerns and questions with the property, they love the kids and in the times they have popped by, have engaged with the kids and seem to be pretty pleased with us and the progress we have made with the garden and my eldest moving into the property out the back (which they had built for their elderly mother who has since passed on), and now, things are all starting to fall into place.

So now I just need to keep my fingers crossed that we get the go ahead!

This is what I have in mind!

I cannot tell you how happy this would make me.

I'd love to hear some tips if you have some chickens of your own!